quotes

Early

Rusty

Granny

Lil

Sheriff

Dan Halen

Krystal

squidbillies quotes

Can't buy beer on Sunday

Early: "Dear lord...
please allow this dangerous combination of hair spary, bat slobber...and D.O.T. four automatic transmission fluid...to excite my mind, occupy my spirits...and enrage my body...provoking me to kick any man or woman in the back of the head regardless of what he or she has or has not done unto me.
All my Best, Earlie Cuyler."

Granny: "Seems to me if you bought your Sunday beer on Saturday night, this becomes a complete non-issue."

Early: "Inconvenient."

Granny: Hooray, magic Jesus!

Narrator: Nothing binds a father and a son more closely than the truth behind the decapitated hooker in the rec room.

Rusty and his mom Krystal looking at pictures
Krystal: Well, then there's one of me. Here's one of them what you call'em Glamour shots what have you. Whaddaya know, there's me. No, that's a bus.

Lil: Well, y'all need me, I'll be putting pictures of my ass on the internet.

Granny: When Jesus was president he ate babies all the time

Dan Halen: Another dead baby? Sue the parents!

Kristal: "Early, baby, I'm going to love you till the mountains and the oceans, like, collide with the sun and like everything on the Earth's dead, except for you and me and our love.

Early: "Toodly do! Them hippies show up?"
Rusty: "They out back. Daddy why they come uphere every week?"
Early: "Here you go, boy. I bought you a veggie game (video game -bucket with sponge & soap)."
Rusty: "You did!?"
Early: "Hell, no. Wash them trucks. But you leave the boat to me. Don't you touch that sonbitchin' boat. A boat is not a toy. Thank you. The boat is mine. THE BOAT IS MINE!"

Early: “Son when god takes a DUMP on your head, you just got to craft it into a HAT!!! that says; when god takes a DUMP on your head, you just got to craft it into a HAT!!!....... that says; when god takes a DUMP on your head….” Rusty: “I got it Daddy” Early “you just got to craft it into a HAT!!! Rusty: “Ok Dadd..I..I” “ that says; when god takes a DUMP on your head, you…” Rusty: “ I’m just saying…”

Rusty: "Daddy! Daddy! look what came out of my butt during the night!"
Lil: "OH Hell, Russell Cuyler! You done had a nocturnal eggnition...all over my seven count burlap."
Granny: "Praise the Lord! It's the second coming."
Early: "No Granny! It's just one more f*&king mouth to feed."
Granny: "Oh Bananas"
Rusty: "All right! I made me a brother! Boy, you better not be touching my BB gun - You gonna get it. Come on, now."
Granny: "It's a miracle! What are we going to name it?"
Early: "Nothing! I turn my back for one damn three-day bender and you transaxulate yourself into a damn woman?! We 'bout to nip this in the nuts right now!"
Rusty: "Daddy!"
Early: "Make you a real man!"

Narrator: "Puberty is a turbulent and insecure time in a young man's life. His voice changes...hair grows in unexpected places, and the inside of his pants become a firing range for his uncontrollable volcanic anus."

Squidillies Intro Song
My dreams are all dead and buried,
Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode.
When God comes and calls me to his Kingdom,
I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go

Sheriff: "Howdy, y'all. Guess who I just apprehended in town. A dozen of my mama's gingerbread men shaped just like yours truly. mmmm they're good!"
Early: "(Rusty) Whup his ass."
Rusty: "Uh, Look at that, boy. ..."
Sheriff: "Look at what?"
Rusty: "uh, I don't know."
Early: "Look at this, right chere!"
(knocks the cookies out of sheriff's hands)
Sheriff: "Damn, they would have to fall frosting down."
Rusty: "Oh, Lord, I'm sorry, Sheriff. That was an accident."
Early: "Accident? Boy!"
(Early whispers in Rusty's ear)
Rusty: "I mean accident time on you. You fall on my fist, your face hurt. Accident to you, boy."
Early: "That's what I'm talkin' about. Hell, yeah! Come on now, turn it on son. Turn it on."
Rusty: "Turn it on son. Turn it on."
Early: "no, no, no, It's already on. OK, you got to tell him it's on."
Rusty: "It is on,.....boy."
Early: "Follow with a simile. Come on."
Rusty: "It's on like....uh"
Early: "What's it on like? Preferably a rhyme."
Rusty: "It's on like, like Michelle Kwan."
Early: "Oh, son."
Rusty: "I'll do a tripe-axle lutz on your zambonied ice."
Early: "Just, Just, stop son."
Sheriff: "Rusy, It's on like red dawn or Charles Bronson. Or hell, I'd even have accepted the movie Tron. But Michelle Kwan? Please."
Rusty: "She made sacrifices to get where she is."
Early: "Damn it! How many times have we watched Road House this weekend? How many times, Rusty? How damn many?"
Rusty: "Four?"
Early: "Damn, that's a lot."

Dan Halen: And what about your work ethic?
Early Cuyler: I don't think ethnics do no work, I mean that's they problem really. If you ain't like me go hang from a damn tree.
Dan Halen: Overt racial prejudice. Impressive.

Sheriff: "Early, hop in. We need to take a ride into town."
Rusty: "Ahh Daddy, not again."
Early: "Oh, Hell. I got my own cuffs this time. Yours pinch."
Sheriff: "We're not going to jail, Early. We're gonna take you to one of them head doctors and see if he can help you with your criminal problems."
Early: "No, Thank you. I don't do business over the telephone with the government. Hell, you're the one who needs it."

(At the Therapists)
Sheriff: "It's all about him. It's always about him. No one cares about how I feel, and I'll tell ya, I'm drowning in this."
Therapists: "Right OK. Let me just take in what just happened....and now I'm gonna turn to you, Early....
and I'm gonna ask you point blank, how do you feel?
Early: "Well, sometimes I feel like a nut, and sometimes I don't."
Therapists: "Soo that's a joke?"
Sheriff: "SEE? He doesn't think about his feelings. He just puts 'em away in his pocket...and then he runs over to my basement and rips out all my pipes!"
Early: "Hey now, hold on. I needed that copper." Come on, now, doc, it weren't like I was wasting it. I mean I'm running a damn business here."
Sheriff: "The business of betrayal."
Early: "oh God, here comes Ruby Falls"
(Early gives Sheriff his hat to wipe tears)
Sheriff: "Thank you."
Early: "When have I ever denied you the right to be deceptified by me?"
Sheriff: "The picnic. Remember that?"
Early: "aahh Are gonna count every time I was Stoned? We'll be here all night, then."

Early: "Now, Rusty, read me something out loud from the assigned text."
Rusty: "yes, sir." "They paint these walls to hide my pen, but the shit house poet strikes again."
Early: "But the shit house poet strikes again." "Now what do you think the shit house poet meant by that?"
Rusty: "Well, maybe he feels oppressed by an Orwellian overlord, so he lashes out with guerrilla-style poetry and whatnot."
Early: "Yeah, I guess you could go that way with it. Continue on with the text."
Rusty: "Yes, sir." "For a good bj, call 555-0169."
Early: "Wait, hold on now! Go ahead and repeat that last stanza again."
Rusty: "0169"
Early: (dialing cell phone) "0169"
Granny: "Hello? Are you calling about the bj? I gives the best bj in town, bar none."
Early: "That be blackberry or blueberry?"
Granny: "Boysenberry jam, dumb ass. Them other ones is out of season."
Early: "Nope, sorry. Boysenberry gives me the hives."

Early: "Preacher says, "it ain't working out." So I said "Read the Bible? I'll feed you the damn Bible!"
Rusty: "Well Hot damn, Daddy, you did that?"
Sheriff: "haha you did not. Then what happened?
Oh, yeah. That's when I brought him down with the riot baton."
Early: "Oh I run for a spell, but ah.....You caught me; didn't you, old man?"
Sheriff: "Sure did, Early. Your legs ain't what they used to be."
Early: "I can still kick." (jumps on sherif & tries to kick him) "I can still Kick"
Sheriff: "All right, all right."
Early: "Get the keys, Rusty! Get the damn keys!
I'm wild! wwooohh."
Sheriff: "Of course you are. But, Early, you know you're violating parole if you're not gainfully employed."
Lil: "Take his ass back to jail, Sheriff. He's too damn dumb to be free."
Early: "Mind your mouth, woman."
Lil: "I ain't afraid of you."
Early: "You want to die, woman?"
Lil: "Come on!"
Sheriff: "HEY, HEY, HEY"
Early: "Just let me at her."
Lil: "Come on, Froggy, jump!"
Sheriff: "Knock it off, you two. Law is law....
(Early throws knife at Lil. Lil ducks & runs away laughing)
Sheriff: "All right, I've seen enough. Come on, let's go back into town."
Rusty: "Daddy, you ain't going back to prison are you?"
Narrator: "At that moment, Early realized it was too late to get an abortion."
Early: "Well, hell, I reckon not, Rusty. Fetch me my formal attire. The time has come to matriculate myself unto a real job."

Granny: "When I was little, we didn't have fancy ketchup. We just had ketchup. We used to make it out in the back out of opossum tails. Only we just called it blood."
Rusty: "Is that right, now? Well, granny, I gotta git."
Granny: "I'll have Mongolian beef, side order of sow chow chicken, spring vegetable...and I don't want any sesame seeds in it and the princess rolls."
Rusty: "Yeah, well, that's nice, granny. I gotta go. I gotta get on out of here. I'll see you later, OK?"
Granny: "That's God's truth. When Jesus was president, he ate babies all the time."
Rusty: "Boy, look at the time!"
Granny: "Wait a minute. Was that Satan? One of them ate babies."
Rusty: "OK, I gotta go." (breaks window & jumps out)
Granny: "Ooooooooohhooohhooooooohooo. Well, I just had me a gizgasm."