A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Is, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.' !
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Pe p e when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...
Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe... Go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis MI amigo... What ees it?
'Pepe.. . Ees not a bacon tree...
Eees a Ham Bush.
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies? 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," she replied. "Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed, ..... "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants. The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?" Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there." "Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher. A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down. Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.
The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!" Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."
A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of saran wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well........I can clearly see your nuts."
Thank god for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS and typos) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off -let the Church help.
Morris And His Wife Esther Went To The State Fair Every Year, And Every Year Morris Would Say,"esther, I'd Like To Ride In That Helicopter."esther Always Replied , "i Know Morris, But That Helicopter Ride Is 50 Dollars And 50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars."
One Year, Esther And Morris Went To The Fair And Morris Said " Esther I'm 85 Years Old. If I Don't Ride That Helicopter, I Might Never Get Another Chance." Esther Replied "morris That Helicopter Is 50 Dollars And 50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars."
The Pilot Over Heard The Couple And Said," Folks I'll Make You A Deal I'll Take The Both Of You For A Ride. If You Can Stay Quiet For The Entire Ride And Not Say A Word I Won't Charge You! But If You Say One Word, It's 50 Dollars".
Morris And Esther Agreed And Up They Went. The Pilot Did All Kinds Of Fancy Maneuvers, But Not A Word Was Heard. He Did His Dare Daredevil Tricks Over And Over Again, But Still Not A Word. When They Landed,
The Pilot Turned To Morris And Said "by Golly, I Did Everything I Could To Get You To Yell Out, But You Didn't. I'm Impressed!"
Morris Replied "well, I Was Going To Say Something When Esther Fell Out, But 50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars."
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between
errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No.' I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied.I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
Here are a few more Testimonials:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a
blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went
back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh
hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked
away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Three women: one engaged one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet for lunch.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend
came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."